Something happened at the end of this summer that shook my world. One of those things that all of us will go through but we are never prepared when it comes.
My dad died.
Yikes! Are we going to talk about death ?
You bet I am!
It's my hope that at the end of this post you will be glad I did.
This is not the first death of a loved one I experience and it's just as devastating as the others. The reason why I want to share my thoughts with you is because I've become more and more aware of my own thoughts and emotions as the years go by, and, in grief, I've grown significantly.
My dad was one of the most important people in my life. Starting with the fact that we were very close when I was younger. I'd be the one running errands with him, accompanying him on trips to visit his side of the family who lived in another state, and even opening a business with him when in college.
He taught me many of the things I enjoy today. He taught me how to take pictures and gave my first camera and later his own Canon camera. I learned a bit of squash and karate with him. He introduced me to wine, teaching me how to differentiate the grapes, as well as other booze like whiskey and cachaça (Brazilian style rum). I learned to plan trips with him, and much more! These memories won’t go anywhere. They are mine forever!
One of the things that I’ve embraced over the years is to choose my thoughts (yes, we can choose our thoughts!) and count my blessings with gratitude for having him in my life and for the eternal memories those moments created. Before I can get to that stage, even though I know I will get there, there is a lot of hurt and pain.
This is called grief.
The truth is, grief doesn’t come with a manual. Each of us processes it differently, and there’s no one-size-fits-all approach. We can’t hurry this process. If we push away the pain it won’t go away but stay stored within us like an elephant in the room. But learning how to navigate the tough moments—especially when we don’t feel okay—can make the journey more bearable. Grief isn’t about “moving on” or “getting over it.” It’s about learning to live with love, loss, and memories.
What grief needs is time, space and respect. Time for it to run its course with care and compassion. Space to breath, expand and compress, to come and go as waves, and to transition and transform. Respect to process all the intertwined emotions, to honor it as the reason it exists is because of love.
I notice I tend to be reserved with my feelings after the initial shock. I've learned that I do that in order to not burden people with my strong emotions, not to cry and not to feel like I'm loosing control of my emotions. What I've started noticing is that when I talk, when I feel and remember, I actually feel lighter.
The healing doesn't mean that whatever you felt will go away, but that you'll find a way to live with it. See, it's not that grief shrinks or goes away, it's that we become bigger. I never want to forget my dad, nor my mom, nor my mother-in-law who I also lost this year.
I don't want to forget any of the people who are gone, and there's a list of them at this point in life!
After you go through losses, be it of a time in your life or people you loved, time moves differently. Ten years ago seems like last month. With time we tend to be able to focus on what we need to do instead of just thinking of what happened. Sometimes it helps to be intentional about that, such as going to work or making a phone call.
One thing I noticed is that I can suddenly miss a loved one intensely. It happens when one of my kids does something and I think my mom would like that. Recently, I've been hit hard when I want to call my dad to share an experience I had. Those were habits that still live on. I may cry out of nowhere when it happens, and that's okay too. My tears are one of the ways I process emotions.
An important note here, processing emotions doesn't mean you won't feel the loss. It only means that the emotions are overflowing in that moment. Grief, as an emotion, won't stop flowing. Some of my clients get concerned they might become less emotional if they start processing emotions. That's not true. I'm still emotional to the point of crying when I see a photo of my kids as babies. I'm feeling the loss of that time in our lives.
My belief in energy and the universe as a whole has been a guiding light during these hard times. It's natural to turn to religion in times of grief, to find meaning for what happened. Be willing to read books that catch your attention, watch documentaries or even participate in grieving groups. Again, there's no right way to grief, there's only what works for you.
This understanding has deepened my connection to those I’ve lost. While their physical presence is gone, their impact remains a part of me, shaping how I live today. With the loss I came to appreciate much more what we had. I also make sure I live life more mindfully—in the present and intentionally—taking in all that's here and now, embracing each moment as the gift it truly is.
I still have good and bad days as I navigate this journey. That’s why I wanted to share this with you—so you know you’re not alone. With time, patience, and kindness toward yourself, it’s possible to rediscover balance and even moments of joy.
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